Difficult Conversations
Chapter 1
Sort Out the Three Conversations
Usually the real point of a difficulty conversation is the feelings and thoughts of the people involved. A lot of the conversations go unspoken.
Three conversations:
“What happened?” conversation:
Getting rid of assumptions in truth, intentions and blame.
Truth:
Feelings conversation:
How to handle emotions?
No difficult conversation doesn’t involve feelings.
Identity conversation:
what I am saying to myself about me.
We always worry about self-image (we fear rejection or looking like a villain)
The point of a difficult conversation is to deliver a message.
Goals:
Usually the real point of a difficulty conversation is the feelings and thoughts of the people involved. A lot of the conversations go unspoken.
Three conversations:
- “What happened?” conversation
- Feelings conversation
- Identity conversation
“What happened?” conversation:
Getting rid of assumptions in truth, intentions and blame.
Truth:
- we shouldn’t look for who is right or wrong. We should focus on the events giving the perceptions and interpretations about what we think happened.
- Don’t assume intentions
- Don’t get distracted by blame, instead focus on the problem.
Feelings conversation:
How to handle emotions?
No difficult conversation doesn’t involve feelings.
Identity conversation:
what I am saying to myself about me.
We always worry about self-image (we fear rejection or looking like a villain)
The point of a difficult conversation is to deliver a message.
Goals:
- Understand the others point of view.
- Explain our view.
- Share and understand feelings.
- Work together to solve.
Chapter 2
Stop Arguing About Who’s right: Explore Each Others Stories.
Most of the time we believe that the real problem is the other person.We all have different stories / perceptions about what is happening and all of them are right for us.
This is one of the reasons why we argue.
“We all have different stories of the world because we each take in different information and then interpret this information on our own unique ways.”
We all have different information:
We all have different interpretations:
Our conclusion reflects self-interest:
And stance: embrace both stories.
Most of the time we believe that the real problem is the other person.We all have different stories / perceptions about what is happening and all of them are right for us.
This is one of the reasons why we argue.
“We all have different stories of the world because we each take in different information and then interpret this information on our own unique ways.”
We all have different information:
- We ignore something and notice others (we choose the information)
- We all have access to different information (we all have different experiences)
We all have different interpretations:
- Even if we have the same information, we give it different meaning.
- We are influenced by past experiences.
- We follow implicit rules.
Our conclusion reflects self-interest:
- We look for information to support our view and give that information the most favorable interpretation.
And stance: embrace both stories.
Chapter 3
Don't Assume They Mean It: Disentangle Intent From Impact
Mistakes:
-We tend to assume the worst.
-Assuming others intentions makes us assume their character.
How to avoid the mistakes?
-What was the impact on me?
-Based on this, what assumption am I making on the other person?
Mistakes:
- Our assumptions about intentions are often wrong.
-We tend to assume the worst.
-Assuming others intentions makes us assume their character.
- Good intentions don't matter if there was bad impact.
How to avoid the mistakes?
- Differentiate impact and intention.
-What was the impact on me?
-Based on this, what assumption am I making on the other person?
- Start by acknowledging feelings, then return to intentions.
Chapter 4
Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System
“Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it.”
Blame is based on the misunderstandings of the situation and on the fear of getting blamed ourselves.
Blame = judging.
Contribution = understanding.
“When we blame someone, we are offering them the role of ‘ the accused’, so they do what accused people do: they defend themselves.”
Focusing on contributions: seeking understanding.
When you focus on blame:
Misconceptions about contributions:
1. focusing only on your contribution
2. by putting aside blame, one puts aside the feelings
3. contribution means blaming the victim
Common contributions:
1. Avoiding the issues (or talking to third people)
2. One might be unapproachable
3. Intersections (differences between people)(no right is wrong)
4. Assumptions about our role in a situation
Tools for spotting contribution:
1. See yourself as the other person sees you and try to discover what you are contributing from their point of view.
2. Try to look at it in a new position.
“Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it.”
Blame is based on the misunderstandings of the situation and on the fear of getting blamed ourselves.
Blame = judging.
Contribution = understanding.
“When we blame someone, we are offering them the role of ‘ the accused’, so they do what accused people do: they defend themselves.”
Focusing on contributions: seeking understanding.
When you focus on blame:
- You don't understand the others
- You forget to solve the problem
Misconceptions about contributions:
1. focusing only on your contribution
2. by putting aside blame, one puts aside the feelings
3. contribution means blaming the victim
Common contributions:
1. Avoiding the issues (or talking to third people)
2. One might be unapproachable
3. Intersections (differences between people)(no right is wrong)
4. Assumptions about our role in a situation
Tools for spotting contribution:
1. See yourself as the other person sees you and try to discover what you are contributing from their point of view.
2. Try to look at it in a new position.
Chapter 5
Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You)
“If we deny that emotions are there, then maybe we can avoid the consequences of feeling them.”
This is what runs through our heads most of the time, but our feelings get discovered sooner or later.
We usually don’t give emotions importance and we focus on solving the problem, because in our minds this seems easier.
When we don’t express our feelings we usually cause problems such as:
Guidelines to get feeling into conversations:
1. Find out what your feelings are.
“You won’t always be happy with what you are feeling.”
“Some of us can’t see our own feelings because we have learned somewhere along the way, that other people’s feelings are more important than ours.”
2. Negotiate with your feelings.
Before we express our feelings we should negotiate with them. Our feelings are formed in response to our thoughts. We should try to focus on what caused the other person to act in a determined way.
3. Share our feelings.
Guidelines for expressing feelings:
Once someone shares their feelings with you, make sure you acknowledge them, so they feel like they were heard.
“If we deny that emotions are there, then maybe we can avoid the consequences of feeling them.”
This is what runs through our heads most of the time, but our feelings get discovered sooner or later.
We usually don’t give emotions importance and we focus on solving the problem, because in our minds this seems easier.
When we don’t express our feelings we usually cause problems such as:
- Our listening abilities shorten.
- We lose control.
- We can experience low self-esteem.
- We can ruin a relationship.
Guidelines to get feeling into conversations:
1. Find out what your feelings are.
“You won’t always be happy with what you are feeling.”
“Some of us can’t see our own feelings because we have learned somewhere along the way, that other people’s feelings are more important than ours.”
2. Negotiate with your feelings.
Before we express our feelings we should negotiate with them. Our feelings are formed in response to our thoughts. We should try to focus on what caused the other person to act in a determined way.
3. Share our feelings.
Guidelines for expressing feelings:
- Remember your feelings are important.
- Put a broader spectrum of feelings.
- Share pure feelings, save problem solving for later and don’t monopolize.
Once someone shares their feelings with you, make sure you acknowledge them, so they feel like they were heard.
Chapter 6
Ground Your Identity: Ask Youself What's At Stake
“Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves.”
Sometimes difficult conversations put in jeopardy our identity, who we think we are.
Biggest identity issues:
Shaking the ground of who we thought we were can cause anxiety, anger, depression, etc. We seem to lose focus of everything else.
Managing identity conversation:
1. Searching for your buttons.
2. Get a clear picture of who you really are.
Accepting things about yourself:
1. Accept that you will and have made mistakes.
2. We have complex intentions.
3. Accept y our attributions to the problem.
“The question is not whether you will get knocked over. You will. The question is whether you are able to get back on your feet and keep the conversation moving in a productive direction.”
To help maintain and regain your balance:
“Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves.”
Sometimes difficult conversations put in jeopardy our identity, who we think we are.
Biggest identity issues:
- Am I competent?
- Am I a good person?
- Am I worthy of love?
Shaking the ground of who we thought we were can cause anxiety, anger, depression, etc. We seem to lose focus of everything else.
Managing identity conversation:
1. Searching for your buttons.
2. Get a clear picture of who you really are.
Accepting things about yourself:
1. Accept that you will and have made mistakes.
2. We have complex intentions.
3. Accept y our attributions to the problem.
“The question is not whether you will get knocked over. You will. The question is whether you are able to get back on your feet and keep the conversation moving in a productive direction.”
To help maintain and regain your balance:
- Stop trying to control their reaction.
- Imagine their response / conversation.
- Thinking about the future.
- Take a break.